Moving forward...

My friend posted this on her Facebook yesterday and it brought me a lot of hope inside. Makes me realize that anything is possible. Sometimes we fall but that is when we have to get back up and put everything we have into moving forward.

Sometimes when I go through my blog list I read how perfect everyone's lives are and it at times gets me feeling pretty down. The truth is NO ONE has a perfect life and why would you blog about the hard times as they just aren't as fun, and the pictures would be so depressing! Well today I am going to blog about our hard times because well I want to get it out and process the past months events. This is not for pity, so please do not take it that way. I may regret this later, but for now my heart is moving me forward.

For the past 2 years we have been trying to have another baby. We finally decided this past February that we would go to a fertility specialist. We met with Dr. Schillings and her staff on March 14th and felt so hopeful that our family would be able to grow. Of course with fertility you have to recognize the fact of having multiply children is a possibility. The treatment we decided to go with had only a 5-10% chance of twins, which in reality we could have twins anyway because it does run in the family. So the next step was to wait for my menstrual cycle to start which was expected on the March 27th. I can gauge my cycle by how I run. Right before I start I get a burst of energy where I want to run a marathon. On the 28th I emailed all my running partners with a new running schedule where we were going to begin training for a marathon in July...haha. Needless to say I knew it was coming soon.

Then on the 29th I woke up feeling pretty depressed mostly because I started reading blogs and facebook and it seemed like EVERYONE was having babies and I was having a self pity day. That was until I realized that I hadn't started my cycle yet. Although, after 2 years of negative pregnancy tests I wasn't DYING to go get a test. I asked Darin to pick one up on his way home from work...he forgot. I just figured in the morning I would run to the dollar store and get a test, but my mind would not stop thinking about it so at 7:40pm I loaded our family up and we rushed to the dollar store (it closes at 8pm). The result was positive. We didn't believe it at first because well we haven't had a positive in 3 years and it came from the dollar store, so we wondered if it was faulty. I think I stood in the bathroom doorway for 15 minutes dazed and confused, when I was flooded with emotions of gratitude. In January I started a Balanced Life Challenge where I made some major changes in bettering myself so that I could better our family life. One of those changes I made was to read the Book of Mormon in 90 days. I guess you could say I made a deal with Heavenly Father that if I finished in 90 days that he would bless our family with a baby. I really had faith in this and I stuck with my part of the deal. :) When we found out we were pregnant I was on the final chapters of Moroni. Of course he held up to his side of the deal too. My testimony was strengthened I know my Heavenly Father knows me and was aware of my needs. We were so happy...I called Dr. Schillings office the next morning and let them know that we scared my body into getting pregnant and we wouldn't be needing the fertility treatments. Other OB appointments were made and it was figured that I was due on December 4, 2011.

Last week (at 6 weeks) I began to have strong pains in my stomach. There has been a bad stomach bug going around and my friend's family got it really bad. I figured I must of picked it up from them as Nash became sick as well. The pains just seemed to get worse and lasted for a week. I began to feel like there was something wrong with this pregnancy or maybe this was going to be a LONG 9 months, as I was NEVER sick with Nash. Then it turned into what we thought was really bad GI bug, and I was so sick. That lasted two days and then the pain began to lessen and I thought I was coming through. Yesterday morning I had a pink discharge which eventually turned into a steady stream of blood. I was brought in at 4:30pm for an ultrasound. It was pretty obvious on the screen that there was no baby. The sack was there but there was nothing inside. The doctor gave me the option of passing the sack on my own or having it removed. I have chosen to do it on my own and next week we will go in for another ultrasound to see if it has passed.

Our hearts are broken as we were so excited for a new baby to come into our family. Nash was beginning to say "bebe in mommy pummy." I am so thankful for my sweet husband and little boy. Darin brought me a lot of comfort as we were able to laugh and cry together yesterday. Our faith is still strong and we DO know that our prayers are answered and they will be answered again. Sometimes we fall but we just have to get back up and move forward through the good and bad experiences.